~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Selling Bibles

This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired. Here's your kit; go sell!"

The second came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!"

The third came in and said, "I- i - I wa - wa- wa-want t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-ell to sell, to sell, to sell, Bi - bi - bi - Bibles, sell Bi -Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Bibles for you!"

"No," shouted the man, "this will never work! You can't sell Bibles for me!" The applicant replied, "B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job!"

As there were no other applicants, he man said, "OK, I'll give you one shot at this, but I expect you to PRODUCE!"

At the end of the can, the first applicant comes back and reports, "I sold 8 Bibles today." The second reports: "I sold 11 Bibles today. The third worker reports, "To-to-to-to t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!" "Great," says the man. "However, I want you to sell lots more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow and MAKE ME SOME MONEY!"

At the end of the first day, the first worker comes in and reports, "Today, I sold 32 Bibles." The second worker reports, "I sold 44 Bibles today" The third worker reports, "To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79 Bibles."

"Fantastic," said the man, "since you're doing so well, so much better than these other two bums, why don't you tell them what your sales technique is."

Replied the worker, "I-i-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, wa, just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk up to up to up to just walk up to them and and ask, them and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-th ask if they w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask if they want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b--b-b-b-b if they want to buy a Bi-bi - want to buy a Bi--b--a - a- abi - buy a to buy a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to READ it to 'em?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One for you, One for me

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.

The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence. Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you."

He knew what it was. "Oh my!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"

He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."

The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!" After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you's been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself." Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Problem and A Problem

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."

His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"

"Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."

"No, you don't understand,. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."

"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.

"Not a word," her mother affirmed.

"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Taiwanese Tourist at Immigration

A Taiwanese man with very poor, practically no, English knowledge once visited the US. His name happened to be: Teng Xiao Ping.

At the Immigration, the officer asked him a few questions to verify his true intention of coming to the US:

- First he was asked: "What is the last name of our first President?" Not knowing English neither what was the question, he guessed they must have asked him for his family name.

So he replied:"Wa Sing Teng". (in Hokkien meaning My Last Name is Teng). The officer heard of "Washington!" (same sound) so passed him of the first question.

- Second question was:"What do you come to the US for?" This time the Taiwanese thought, naturally he would be asked of his first name.

So he replied:"Xiao Ping." The officer heard of: "Shopping!" so nodded and proceeded with his third question. "What car do u drive back home?"

The tourist thought he was asked of his marital status, so he exclaimed: "Wa Bo Bo". (in Hokkien meaning I have no wife). And the officer heard of:"Volvo!" So smiled with compliment and asked again.

- The fourth question was:"Who is the most popular basket ball player here in the US?" By this time our Taiwanese friend was getting a bit impatient and annoyed hence shouted:"Mai Ho Wa Ja Dan". (meaning Don't let me here wait).

The officer heard of:"Michael Jordan!" With great appreciation of this tourist's wide knowledge, the officer let him passed without further harrassment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ARGUMENT

There was a guy telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. "But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees."

"What did she say?" asked the friend.

The husband replied, "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BIBLICAL LAWS FOR CHILDREN

Household Principles for Children
Based on the Old Testament
(Lamentations of a Father)
--by Ian Frazier

Laws of Forbidden Places:
Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living room. Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.

Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein. Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink. But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.

Laws When at Table :
And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.

Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away.

When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent away.

When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you.

Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.

And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.

Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.

Laws Pertaining to Dessert:
For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.

But of the unclean plate, the laws are these:
If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.

But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.

And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.

On Screaming:
Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault.

Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose. For even I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.

Concerning Face and Hands:

Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon.

And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see.

Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I have done.

Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances: Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, not against any building; nor eat sand.

Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict it with tape? And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BIBLICAL RIDDLES

Why was Moses the most wicked man?
... (He broke all 10 commandments at once.)

What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?
... (Flood lights)

How does a lawyer resemble a rabbi?
... (Lawyers study the law and the profits)

What are the 2 smallest insects in the Bible?
... (The widow's mite (Mark 12:42) and the wicked flea (Proverbs 28:1))

Who was the most ambitious man in the Bible?
... (Jonah-even a whale couldn't keep him down)

Who was the first canning factory run by?
... (Noah-he had a boat full of preserved pairs)

Why was Noah like a hungry cat?
... (He went 150 days without finding Ararat)

What is it that Adam never saw or had, yet left 2 of them for his children?
... (Parents)

What Bible character may have only been a foot tall?
... (Nicodemus-he was a ruler)

What did Jesus have in common with the fish that swallowed Jonah?
... (Jesus had dinner with a sinner, and the fish had a sinner for dinner)

How do we know Isaiah's parents were good business people?
... (They both raised a prophet)

During what season did Eve eat the forbidden fruit?
(Early in the fall)

Why couldn't they play cards on the ark?
... (Noah was sitting on the deck)

Why did poor Job land in bed with a cold?
... (He had poor comforters)

How are roller-bladers like the fruit in the Garden of Eden?
... (They come before the fall)

Who introduced salted meat to the Navy?
... (Noah-he took Ham on the ark)

Who slept five in a bed?
... (David-he slept with his forefathers)

Why did the people on the ark think the horses were pessimistic?
... (They kept saying neigh)

How do we know Abraham was smart?
(He knew a Lot)

What was one of the first examples of math in the Bible?
... (God told Adam to go forth and multiply)

Why couldn't Cain please God with his offering?
... (He just wasn't Abel)

How did God keep the oceans clean?
... (With Tide)

What did Noah say as he was loading the Ark?
... ("Now I herd everything")

What was the name of Isaiah's horse?
... (Isme - He said "Whoa, is me!")

Was Noah the first one out of the Ark?
... (No, he came forth out of the ark)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE BUDDHIST AND JEHOVAH'S WITNESS

One of the most enjoyable afternoons I ever spent was with a Jehovah's Witness who had come to my door. I never turn people away from my door, so I invited this chap in and put on the tea kettle. He began to tell me how very dangerous Roman Catholics are. This failed to get a rise out of me, so he marched on to trash various forms of mainstream Protestantism, secular humanism, world federalism and scientific materialism. He knew the Achilles heel of every one of these systems of thought, and I sat there and agreed with him wholeheartedly.

He started talking about various Biblical passages to me, and I said "Would you mind if we read the Greek version? I find the translations a bit misleading." (This was a shameless bluff. My Greek was never very good, and I would have been in a real jam if he had taken me up on it.)

After a bit of amicable discussion of various passages from the Bible, the JW was showing signs of obvious confusion. He just didn't know which trash bin to throw my beliefs into. Finally he started looking around the room and he said "I notice you have a lot of books on Buddhism here." I nodded. He asked whether I was a Buddhist. I said there were some moments on some days when I thought I might be a Buddhist, but I certainly didn't insist on being thought of as one. He abruptly stood up and said "I know nothing about Buddhism. I'll come back next week with our expert on Buddhism." Just barely finding time to thank me for the nice tea and biscuits, he bolted out the door.

The next week, as promised, I received a visit from the local expert on Buddhism. He began by telling me that Buddhism is mostly full of superstitious nonsense. I agreed wholeheartedly. (That was twenty years before I had this indisputable fact confirmed with tedious regularity by our friend Bhava.) He went on to say that Buddhists worship the Buddhist Pope, whose name was Dalai Lama. I politely disagreed. He then said that Buddhists are atheists who deny that Jehovah is the supreme creator. I cordially agreed and offered him another biscuit. The man stayed with me for a couple of hours and was growing decidedly restless. So I offered to teach him to meditate. He abruptly stood up and bolted, not even thanking me for the nice tea and biscuits.

From that time on, I never again got visits from the Jehovah's Witnesses. They walked right past my house. Once I went out onto the veranda and called out to them, inviting them in for tea. They waved nervously and accelerated their pace. Ever since that time, I have found that nothing works more swiftly with Christian door-to-door evangelists than to invite them into my meditation room and to ask them to pull up a cushion, sit quietly and concentrate on their breathing. This invariably reminds them that they have an emergency appointment somewhere across town....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ACTS 2:38

A pastor was leading an inquirer through catechetical training and Bible study. One of the verses he emphasized was Acts 2:38. [check it out; it's very appropriate] "Always remember this verse," the pastor said. "If you do, you will never go wrong. Just remember, Acts Two Thirty-eight."

"Gotcha!" said the inquirer as he left that session. Some time later, as he approached his car on the edge of a mall parking lot near dark, two guys jumped him. Immediately he shouted as loudly as he could: "ACTS TWO THIRTY EIGHT! ACTS TWO THIRTY EIGHT!"

One of the thugs said to the other: "Hey, man! Let's split" and started running away as fast as he could. After a moment of puzzled hesitation the other ran after him till he caught up with him in the nearby woods.

"What's going on, Man?" he asked.

"Didn't you hear what that dude said?" asked the other. "He had two thirty-eights and an ax."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE ASSUMPTION OF VIRGIN MARY

You know what I'm trying to figure out? I was looking over the order's Ordo (try saying that 6 times really fast) the other day and noticed that one of the major feast days on the calendar commemorates the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary.

Now, in grammar school they taught us not to assume things, but to look them up. They even made us join a fictitious organization called the "We Don't Guess, We Look It Up" Club. (I'm not making this up, you know!)

Isn't it, therefore, setting a dangerous example to have a feast day that celebrates someone's making an assumption? I mean, why couldn't Mary have looked it up in the Encyclopaedia Palestiniana? That would have set a much more wholesome example for the youth of today. Besides, most of the knowledge found in encyclopedias today was discovered much more recently than 2000 years ago, so the encyclopedias in those days were probably only a couple of pages long. How much time could it have taken to look it up?

Not only that, but if it was a really important thing that she was assuming--something worth making a major feast day out of--surely it would have been worth it for everyone's peace of mind to be sure of the facts. And if she was making a trivial assumption, why should we make such a big deal out of it?

All you liturgical experts out there: how come we don't observe the Feast of the Fact-Checking of the Blessed Virgin? Enquiring minds need to know.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEN COMMANDMENTS OF E-MAIL

Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.

Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.

Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.

Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.

Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.

Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.

Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.

Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.

Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.

When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.

And, here's the "Golden Rule" of E-Mail:

That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THERMODYNAMICS OF HELL

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following: First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving?

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions and people don't belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

(It was not revealed what grade the student got.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THREE CHAIRS

A certain Catholic church hosting a community Thanskgiving service. Now this was to be first for that catholic church and for the community. Naturally everyone was quite excited. With great dignity the priest led his three Protestant colleagues toward the chancel area when suddenly he realized that he had forgotten to put out chairs for his guest clergy to sit on during the service.

In a state of great agitation, he whispered in the ear of one of his ushers, "Please get some chairs for the guest pastors." The elderly usher was quite hard of hearing, so he asked the priest to repeat his request. The priest did so a little louder: "Please get up and get three chairs for the Protestants."

The old man had a puzzled look on his face as he rose to his feet. Turning to the rest of the congregation, he said with a loud voice: "This seems highly irregular, but I've been asked to have you stand and give three cheers for the Protestants."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A LETTER TO ALL OF US

Letter to All of Us
From: GOD
To: My Children on Earth
Re: Idiotic Religions

My Dear Children (and believe me, that's all of you), I consider myself a pretty patient guy. I mean, look at the Grand Canyon. It took millions of years to get it right. And about evolution? Boy, nothing is slower than designing that whole Darwinian thing to take place, cell by cell, and gene by gene. I've been patient through your fashions, civilizations, wars and schemes, and the countless ways you take Me for granted until you get yourselves into big trouble again and again.

But on this occasion of My Son's birthday, I want to let you know about some of the things that are starting to tick me off. First of all, your religious rivalries are driving Me up a wall. Enough already! Let's get one thing straight. These are YOUR religions, not Mine. I'm the whole enchilada; I'm beyond them all. Every one of your religions claims there's only one of Me (which by the way, is absolutely true). But in the very next breath, each religion claims it's My favourite one. And each claims its bible was written personally by Me, and that all the other bible's are man-made. Oh Me. How do I even begin to put a stop to such complicated nonsense?

Okay, listen up now. I'm your Father AND Mother, and I don't play favourites among My children. Also, I hate to break it to you, but I don't write. My longhand is awful, and I've always been more of a doer anyway. So ALL of your books, including those bible's, were written by men and women. There were inspired, remarkable people, but they also made mistakes here and there. I made sure of that, so that you would never trust a written word more than your own living heart.

You see, one human being to me -- even a bum on the street -- is worth more than all the Holy Books in the world. That's just the kind of guy I am. My Spirit is not a historical thing, it's alive right here, right now, as fresh as your next breath.

Holy books and religious rites are sacred and powerful, but not more so than the least of you. They were only meant to steer you in the right direction, not to keep you arguing with each other, and certainly not to keep you from trusting your own personal connection with Me.

Which brings Me to My next point about your nonsense. You act like I need you and your religions to stick up for Me or win souls; for My sake. Please, don't do Me any favours. I can stand quite well on my own, thank you. I don't need you to defend Me, and I don't need constant credit. I just want you to be good to each other.

And another thing: I don't get all worked up over money or politics, so stop dragging My name into your dramas. For example, I never threatened Oral Roberts. I never rode in any of Rajneesh's Rolls Royces. I never told Pat Robertson to run for president, and I've never EVER had a conversation with Jim Baker, Jerry Falwell, or Jimmy Swaggart! Of course, come Judgement Day, I certainly intend to...

The thing is, I want you to stop thinking of religion as some sort of loyalty pledge to Me. The true purpose of your religions is so that YOU can become more aware of ME, not the other way around. Believe Me, I know you already. I know what's in each of your hearts, and I love you with no strings attached. Lighten up and enjoy Me. That's what religion is best for.

What you seem to forget is how mysterious I am. You look at the petty differences in your Scriptures and say, Well, if THIS is the truth, then THAT can't be But instead of trying to figure out My Paradoxes and Unfathomable Nature--which by the way, you NEVER will--why not open your hearts to the simple common threads in every religion?

You know what I'm talking about: Love and respect everyone. Be kind. Even when life is scary or confusing, take courage and be of good cheer, for I am always with you. Learn how to be quiet, so you can hear My still, small voice (I don't like to shout). Leave the world a better place by living your life with dignity and gracefulness, for you are My Own Child. Hold back nothing from life, for the parts of you that can die surely will, and the parts that can't, won't. So don't worry, be happy (I stole that last line from Bobby McFerrin, but who do you think gave it to him in the first place?)

Simple stuff. Why do you keep making it so complicated? It's like you're always looking for an excuse to be upset. And I'm very tired of being your main excuse. Do you think I care whether you call me Yahweh, Jehovah, Allah, Wakantonka, Brahma, Father, Mother or even the Void of Nirvana? Do you think I care which of My special children you feel closest to--Jesus, Mary, Buddha, Krishna, Mohammed or any of the others? You can call Me and My Special Ones any name you choose, if only you would go about My business of loving one another as I love you. How can you keep neglecting something so simple?

I'm not telling you to abandon your religions. Enjoy your religions, honour them, learn from them, just as you should enjoy, honour, and learn from your parents. But do you walk around telling everyone that your parents are better than theirs? Your religion, like your parents, may always have the most special place in your heart; I don't mind that at all. And I don't want you to combine all the Great Traditions in One Big Mess. Each religion is unique for a reason. Each has a unique style so that people can find the best path for themselves. But My Special Children--the ones that your religions revolve around--all live in the same place (My heart) and they get along perfectly, I assure you. The clergy must stop creating a myth of sibling rivalry where there is none.

My blessed children of Earth, the world has grown too small for your pervasive religious bigotries and confusion. The whole planet is connected by air travel, satellite dishes, telephones, fax machines, rock concerts, diseases, and mutual needs and concerns. Get with the program! If you really want to help Me celebrate the birthday of My Son Jesus, then commit yourselves to figuring out how to feed your hungry, clothe your naked, protect your abused, and shelter your poor. And just as importantly, make your own everyday life a shining example of kindness and good humour. I've given you all the resources you need, if only you abandon your fear of each other and begin living, loving, and laughing together.

Finally, My Children everywhere, remember whose birth is honoured on December 25th, and the fearlessness with which He chose to live and die. As I love Him, so do I love each one of you. I'm not really ticked off, I just wanted to grab your attention because I hate to see you suffer. But I gave you free will, so what can I do now other than to try to influence you through reason, persuasion, and a little old-fashioned guilt and manipulation? After all, I AM the original Jewish Mother. I just want you to be happy, and I'll sit in the Dark.

I really Am, with you always. Always. Trust in Me.

Your One and Only,
God

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"More intelligence-challenged people"

45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

Portsmouth, R.I.Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.

Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida, for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chainsaw, which was not plugged in.

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

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Forest Service Complaints

This list is circulating among Forest Service employees. These are actual comments left last year on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:

"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call"

"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections"

"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness"

"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands"

"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals"

"All the mile markers are missing this year"

"Found a smouldering cigarette left by a horse"

"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill"

"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests"

"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter"

"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them"

"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals"

"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights"

"Need more signs to keep area pristine"

"A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead"

"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked"

"Too many rocks in the mountains."

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Welfare Application Goofs

SENTENCES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL LETTERS RECEIVED BY THE TORONTO WELFARE DEPARTMENT FROM APPLICATIONS FOR AID AND ASSISTANCE.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven but one died and was baptized on half sheet of paper.

I am writing to the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children, can you tell me why?

I am glad to report that my husband who was reported missing is dead.

This is my eighth child, what are you going to do about it?

Please find for certain if my husband is dead, the man I am living with can't eat or do anything until he finds out.

I am very annoyed that you have branded my son illiterate, as this is a lie. I was married to his father a week before he was born.

In answer to your letter I have given birth to a boy weighing ten lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children, one of which was a mistake as you can see.

My husband had his project cut off two weeks ago, and I haven't had any relief since.

Unless I get my money soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

You have changed my little boy to a little girl. Will this make any difference?

I haven't had children as yet as my husband is a bus driver and works day and night.

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and this doesn't seem to do me any good. If things don't improve I will be forced to send for another doctor.

It is true I am a bachelor and have deducted for two children. But please believe me when I say it was an accident.

Please excuse the condition of my messy form. I really should have been more careful.

I am a vermin destroyer but have not earned anything for some months. I shall be glad to call on you at your convenience.

Please send me a claim form as I have had a baby. I had one before but it got dirty and I burned it.

I cannot pay the full amount at the moment as my husband is in hospital. As soon as I can I will send on the remains.

Please correct this assessment. I have not worked for the past three months as I have broken my leg. Hoping you will do the same....